I have a lot of anxiety about the future. What if I never find someone who loves me because of my mental health? What if my suicide attempts affect me in the future? What if I pass my depression onto my children? What if one day I tried again? It’s all these what if’s that flood my mind as I lay in bed at night. That’s when I visualize those thoughts attached to an anchor and dropped to the bottom of the ocean. Although sometimes they come back.
I might be seventeen, but what seventeen-year-old girl isn’t already planning their wedding via Pinterest boards, have all their baby names picked out, as well as their entire future home decorated thanks to Pinterest. I mean I can tell you that I’m having a destination wedding, my first daughter’s middle name has to be Ann, and I won’t settle for a home that doesn’t have hardwood floors throughout, I have thoughts most seventeen-year-olds aren’t thinking about. I’m thinking about the fact my liver could be damaged due to the fact I’ve put a tremendous amount of pressure on it, I’m thinking about the fact guys have already shunned me for my mental health, so how many more? Although I could just drown these thoughts to the bottom of my ocean, it still is a fear of mine.
One of the biggest fear of mine is relapse. I actually experienced my one a few days ago. I really debate what I post on social media in fears if people know, I’ll be judged and have it used against me. About a week ago I stopped taking my medication cold turkey just because I had been forgetting. I became unbearable and irritable and had terrible headaches. My parents knew that I hadn’t been because of my attitude, so the three of us decided my medication would sit on the kitchen counter and I would set an alarm. This has probably been the longest I’ve gone without a setback which is amazing. I’ve never been on medication this long without stopping. I feel amazing when I’m on it which is why I’m trying so hard to make it part of my daily routine. One of my biggest fears in general is getting back to feeling so hopeless I feel the only way out is suicide. I can prevent this by taking my medication, going back to counseling if it’s needed, and being open about how I‘m feeling. This fear is probably my biggest fear in life actually because I’m terrified of the consequences. I’m scared that one day I would lose all self control and do something to myself. I tear up writing that because I will do everything I can do to prevent that. I have so many resources now to prevent myself from doing that again.
I fear rejection. I fear continuing to be reject because of my mental health. I believe I’ve shared this story before, but I once had a guy stop talking to me because I was “unstable.” I will agree I was unstable, but I was willing to admit I had an issue and take medications. This same guy was dealing with mental health issues and not taking his medication, I’ll never judge a person for their choice on how to treat their mental health, but he decided to compensate with cigarettes. That part bothered me. The fact I was bettering myself with medication and the fact he was judging me. Ever since then I have been way too open to new guys in fear that they reject me like he did. I fear that he’ll reject me like that guy did and tell all his friends I’m psychotic and bipolar and too much to handle. I fear I won’t find a guy who loves me for me and learns to love my flaws. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of finding the love of my life because of my depression. All I can do for now is pray that God one day blesses me with that man and he can love me even during my darkest days. I fear that sharing my story will lead to people using it against me. As I’ve shared before, it’s been used against me by peers and adults. I’m scared that this is just me opening doors for myself to be a target. I try to think of it as this could be what someone needed to hear today rather than that.
I will be a senior which means graduating in less than a year...scary to think about. This summer I have been taking four college classes so far to complete my prerequisites for nursing school, with the hopes to start in the Fall of 2021. The idea of college scares me. The idea of making a new group of friends, maintaining A’s and B’s, living on my own. It’s a lot to take in. I think my biggest fear for college is failure. I’m scared that I will fail and be kicked out of nursing school. It’s a big fear for me, but all I can do is study my butt off and hope for the best. I’m scared one day it’ll affect my ability to have a job. There’s some days my parents have to drag me out of bed because of my lack of motivation. That obviously doesn’t work in college or the workforce, but I hope things continue like they have been and I no longer have those days.
Now, this has been a thought that has crossed my mind a lot. Depression and anxiety run in my family. My dad dealt with the same thoughts I did in high school and he dealt with a lot of guilt after my last suicide attempt because he felt like it was his fault. I’m scared one day my kids will deal with these same scary thoughts. Although it’s terrifying to think about my kids dealing with this, all I can do is support them and share with them how I got through it and how they will too. I pray a lot that my future kids won’t deal with this, but I also pray for anyone dealing with it. It’s scary and so overwhelming. I can’t even imagine life being like that ever again. I pray I never go back to that either. Along with kids, I’m scared of how I will function without my medications for 9+ months. I obviously don’t have to worry about that for a long time, but maybe by that time I will be able to function without it.
What if one day my attempts affect me? I’ve overdosed twice as well as abused medications, let’s just say my liver probably isn’t in the best shape. I‘ve had seizures for over eight hours. I’ve been on dozens of medications. What if one day my liver fails me? What if one day those seizures affect me? What if one day I have effects of those medications? My body has been under a lot of stress from all of those things plus the depressive states and anxiety. I can’t worry those things right now. Worrying can only make things worse.
Uncertainty for the future is normal. Uncertainty in general is normal. All we can do is drown those worries with the biggest anchor in the world. I hope that one day I find peace within myself and relieve myself of those worries and I hope you do the same.