Let’s be real here. I debated talking about this. I debated talking about it because it shows that my life isn’t what I make it seem like it is on social media or in public. I try to make myself look better than I am, as I’m sure many of us do especially on social media. On the outside, I look like a 19-year-old who is in an accelerated nursing program with a 100% NCLEX pass rate, who has a perfectly decorated dorm, who has an amazing group of friends, a girl who has it all, right? Behind that iPhone, though, that’s a different girl. That’s a girl who is struggling with the major adjustment of high school courses to being in nursing school and who ended up having to go part-time because of it. That’s a girl who lets that “perfect dorm room” go to a mess about five minutes after cleaning it because her depression and the stress of it all consume her. That’s a girl who is planning her day down to the absolute minute because that half an hour of eating lunch with a friend is what keeps her sane at this point. The truth is, I’m struggling. I advocate for accepting those struggling with mental illness, but still, struggle to accept myself.
Over Christmas break of my senior year, I was anxiously awaiting the letter that determined whether or not I would begin nursing school the following school year. So, as someone passionate about nursing, I worked at a nursing home. One night, a nurse told me, “You know, if you make it into nursing school, don’t tell them about you being a psycho…they’ll target you, they’ll make sure to get you out of there.” These words stuck with me as I began the program this August. They stuck with me so much that I thought, “well, maybe if I don’t take my medications, I won’t have that problem.” WRONG. I caught myself falling into a deep hole, a hole that took me down and everything else with it. It took friendships, it took my relationship, it took my will to see tomorrow. All of this because I didn’t take my medications because I was ashamed. I didn’t realize it until it was all too late.
It took waking up in the ICU to realize I’d hit rock bottom…again. I tried to end my life because I couldn’t accept myself. I tried to end my life because society taught me that my flaws are something I needed to conceal. I tried to end my life because this is something we don’t talk about. I don’t post about my depression on Facebook because I’d rather let everyone think I’m the nursing student who has her shit together. Let’s be real here, who has their shit together? Especially in nursing school (lol). It was easier for me to make it seem like I was a poster child for beating depression, but the truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever be that. Depression is something I could more than likely struggle with for the rest of my life. You know what? That’s okay. It’s okay because I know now that I need the help and if that help is taking an anti-depressant, then so be it. I need the help so I can be the nurse that advocates for young girls like me unlike the experience with the nurse I had. Not only will I advocate for young girls, but I’ll also advocate for every single one of you.
With all of that being said, please reach out when you feel yourself drowning. To go along with the title of this post, let’s be real...the real reason I felt the need to write this post is to show that you never know who is struggling. Recently, I lost someone to suicide. I didn’t know her as much as I would’ve liked to, but the point is that she helped me. She helped me realize there were still good people in this world and people who wanted to help. Days after my most recent attempt, she sent me a message that I will keep the screenshots of for the rest of my life. The gist of the conversation was her reaching out to tell me she was praying for me. Little did she know that may have been the message that kept me from doing something to myself that night. She sent me a quote that I will keep close to me for the rest of my days. The quote said, "At the right time, every broken thing will come together for the good. You are more than your failures, successes, more than your fears. And far beyond the surface of your desires, there is a truer reason why you are still here. If you find yourself struggling to see past your imperfections because you cannot figure out how what's torn apart can come together, may you know in your soul that the answer is not found in thinking, feeling, doing, but in trusting in what is Greater than you." I wish more than anything I could have helped her through the dark moment I was enduring that moment, but I promised myself that day I would be the rock for someone else like she was for me. The truth is, lately I’ve felt her presence. I had these dreams that were similar to the dreams I had after losing my grandfather. After one of these dreams, I prayed hard. I prayed for her. Later that day on my way home, I saw a cross in the sky. I couldn’t help but cry because she had truly helped me regain the faith I’d been losing due to my battle with mental health and I knew this was her way of telling me to keep going and to help others the way she helped me.
So, here I am. I’m making it my life goal to advocate for mental health. I’m making it my life goal to help those struggling with those same scary thoughts I’ve gone through. I’m here to make sure that no one goes through those thoughts alone. I’m here to make sure that you know you’re not alone.
be complete