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Mental Health & High School

Ah, high school. It’s supposed to be some of the most memorable times of your life, but unfortunately for me it hasn’t been. My mental health has been a struggle for me since elementary school and carried with me into middle school and then on into high school. There’s so so so many times I wish I would’ve enjoyed my high school career more, but we all live with regrets and thankfully I have one year left!


Throughout my high school career, I’ve missed a lot unfortunately. From my “dentist appointments” and “strep throat“ to the thousands of other elaborate excuses I’ve come up with, I’ll now openly say I missed school because of appointments with my medication provider and my counselor. I hated these appointments. I hated the kids asking a zillion questions. I hated making up assignments. Worst of all, I hated the shame. Not only the shame I gave myself, but the shame certain teachers would place on me for missing their classes. I’ll never forget my sophomore year when I was doing EMDR which was meant to help me heal from the PTSD of the psychiatric hospitals. I remember a teacher pulling me aside and telling me I needed to plan these appointments around their class. I became so overwhelmed by the fact teachers were considering it an inconvenience and the fact I would need to find another class to miss that I stopped counseling all together which trickled into me not caring about my medication and mental health all together. Not only were these appointments there, the countless psychiatric hospital visits that consumed days to weeks of my high school career. Then I was required to play a game of catch-up with all of my missed work which turned into me struggling.


As I impatiently wait for my senior year to arrive, I realize how much mental health has truly impacted my high school career. A textbook symptom of depression is the lack of motivation. Throughout my freshman and sophomore year, I struggled. I struggled to pay attention and to block out the nagging thoughts that told me I couldn’t do school, or life in general, I couldn‘t get myself to do my homework, I could’t take a test without freaking myself out to the point I would want to throw up. Some days I would take days to finish my tests because I was so anxious and everything would leave my mind as I took the test. My grades truly reflected my lack of motivation and test anxiety. My GPA reflected that. As my junior year rolled around, I realized I needed to play a serious game of catc-up. I’m proud to say my junior year I brought my GPA up! I’ve also learned to become an advocate for myself academically. I learned it doesn’t make me less intelligent because I have to tell the teacher I’m struggling with comprehending a subject. It doesn’t make me less intelligent because I have to test in another room in order to reach my fullest potential. These are just accommodations I have to make for myself just like someone with a broken leg has to make accommodations to get themselves through the difficult time. My struggles in school just goes to show how our mental health affects the smallest things. I am now excited to go to school, even though Corona ruined that. I’m now excited to get to learn. I now do my homework, even though I’m not excited to do that. I love doing things that I’ve never loved doing before because my mental health is in check.


One of my biggest regrets in my high school career has been not enjoying my time. For instance, going into my sophomore year I was elected as a state FCCLA officer and qualified for National FCCLA in my STAR project! This was amazing and so many kids would’ve loved to have been in my position. I got to go to Atlanta with my advisor, my best friend, and my mom. On the trip, I found out the awful news that my grandpa‘s cancer had came back. You may be thinking this wasn’t depression, but it was. My mom was able to carry on through the trip normally, but I couldn’t function. I was miserable the entire time despite being in a position that so many kids wanted to be in. I remember having to call my counselor at least three times to just talk because I was so incredibly anxious and manic. My thoughts kept telling me he wasn‘t going to be ok, I needed to be there for my family, and a lot more. Even though I knew my grandpa would‘ve wanted me to stay. I regret it so much looking back. I wish I would’ve enjoyed every second of that trip! Another incident was my junior year and having the opportunity to go to National FFA. It was in November and just a few weeks before my first suicide attempt. I was really struggling at this point but would’ve done anything to avoid medication because of past experiences. On this trip, I ended up leaving a dance to go upstairs. It was the night before we’d leave for home and I was so so depressed. I remembered I’d packed some medications with me and I ended up taking half a bottle of some pills. The next morning I was out of it and slept for hours on end on the bus. This was my first real issue with pills. Not only did I not enjoy those times, but just the times every high schooler remembers. I was too anxious until my junior year to go to ANY sports function. I went to maybe four basketball and football games my freshman and sophomore year combined. My junior year? I barely missed a game. In the classroom, I was there, but I wasn’t really ”there.” I was there, but I was beating myself internally. Too scared to say anything because my anxiety told me, “that’s stupid,” “everyone hates you,” and so many more awful thoughts. These thoughts absorbed me to the point I missed the funny classroom moments, I missed getting in trouble for whispering to my neighbor more often than I already did, I missed getting the answer right because my anxiety was just not willing to let me raise my hand because only 99% of my mind was certain the answer was 4, and we weren’t willing to take that 1% chance of failure. I just wish I would’ve been able to enjoy these once in a lifetime opportunities instead of being miserable and depressed.


Now, this part may be a bit of a repeat from my post about the stigma with mental health, but I feel like it needs to be talked about. My sophomore year, I met a guy. I fell head over heels for him and we were hanging out fairly often, one day I decided we’d been hanging out long enough for me to explain my mental health and how things may decline towards the winter months because I tend to struggle more in the colder weather. He acted a bit off and later on that night over the phone told me he wouldn’t be able to handle someone mentally unstable. This hurt me. It hurt me so bad that the next guy I had talked to, I waited months and months to even drop hints about my mental health. Thankfully he was supportive throughout it all and so was his family and I will forever be grateful for that. My point is that my relationships and friendships have been affected because of my mental health and the stigma that surrounds it. My friends often times don’t know how to react to certain situations regarding me. I mean in their defense, how can you expect teenagers to help their friends in the midst of a depressive episode. In the future, I may write a post on how supporters can be there for a love one. Mental health has scared off many people throughout my high school career and honestly it’s sad, but the only thing I can do is to help educate people about how we are people too, regardless of our mental health.


Now, this next part takes a lot to admit and definitely is the worst part of high school and school in general. Throughout my entire school career, I’ve never really been in the “right state of mind.” Whenever someone tells you a bully is struggling with something internally, always listen to that. These are the words coming from someone that was hurting so badly on the inside, that they became their own bully and set themself up to be vulnerable for bullies. Bullies often times are bullied and find someone vulnerable to release that anger. Bullies take their internal pain out on other people and that’s exactly what I did. Due to being friends with a very toxic group that enabled this awful behavior and my inability to stand up to the ring leader, I became a part of this worldwide issue. Here I am, saying I was a bully because I was struggling with peer pressure as well as mental illness that made me my own bully and that made me need a way to release the hatred in my heart I had for myself. I will never in a million years say what I did was right, but what I will say is that I’m sorry. I wish I would’ve gotten myself help sooner. I wish I would’ve gotten myself help sooner so that you weren’t having to restore broken pieces within yourself to this day, broken pieces my pain caused. I am very proud of myself to acknowledge my wrongdoings and admit what I did was wrong and say sorry for all the pain I have caused peers, family members, friends, and that’s a lot more than many of my childhood bullies can say. After finding a medication and environment that I’m able to thrive in, I no longer find myself participating in those awful behaviors. I hope all those that were affected by my harsh and cruel actions forgive me one day because I truly am sorry for releasing my pain on to you.


Reflecting on how crappy my whole high school career has been, it makes me even more ambitious to begin my final year. My goal is to make this year so amazing that I have so much good to cover up the bad! After beginning this journey with my blog and sharing my story on social media, I’ve been amazed. I’m amazed to realize how many adults and kids my age have revealed to me their similar struggle with mental health. Craziest part? I would’ve NEVER known! You’d have no idea the amount of messages my parents were sent after my last suicide attempt saying that they would’ve never known I struggled with depression. That’s why I’ve made it my #1 priority in life to be kind. You never know the battle someone is suffering. That being said, I leave you with these words: be freaking kind.






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